20 before 20

I slept with 20 men before the age of 20. Before you assign me degrading names, listen to this chapter of my life. I say chapter because it is not my whole story. During High school, I was as shy as they come and as a result I never participated in typical teen behavior. I never allowed myself to be exposed to the temptations of the world. I never had a boyfriend during high school, I never did drugs, I never consumed alcohol, I never went to a house party. The most promiscuous thing I did during my childhood was when I started watching pornography at the tender age of 9. I watched porn religiously and I found out about masturbating, it was mostly a release for my anger. I loved the relaxation that came from masturbating often and vigorously. Growing up in an Muslim African household, I never got the “talk”, my mother probably thought if she did not speak of sex I would not have it or even conceive the idea of sex. Pornography is how I developed different fetishes, things that other people would find appalling I guess that is what makes it a fetish.  When I graduated High school, all the newfound freedom and all the newfound attention from men got to my head in a detrimental way. One might assume, that with a body count number of 20 at my age it must mean I started sleeping with men at a young age, in fact I did not lose my virginity until I was 17 years old. I did not decide to stay a virgin until that age because of a moral compass or to “save myself for marriage” I was simply waiting for a mature man or so I thought. We were in his college apartment and he nonchalantly asked ” Do you want to have sex today? its not like its a big deal”, I agreed and I undressed and laid on my back. Losing my virginity was not romantic like the movies portray, it was deliberate and quick. I felt so unsatisfied sexually but most importantly I felt unsatisfied emotionally and so empty. I quickly spiraled into a quest to not feel as empty as I did that day, I thought to my self there has to be more , this cant be it. Sex became second nature to me, it was all around me even in my sleep. Dating apps did not help my case, it only expanded the fish in the sea. As a woman it is not difficult to find men who are willing to penetrate you at any given moment. The first couple of people I “hooked up” with I knew fairly well but after them it was a free for all. one week I hooked up with a different guy everyday of the week and I felt so dirty afterwards it was impossible not to feel used, at least prostitutes get paid to open their legs and here I was doing it for free. Loneliness was a driving factor in my promiscuousness, when I was alone I was deep inside of my mind going through an existential crisis over and over again. When I was with these men they were deep inside of me, I had a distraction. I had lust that I sometimes mistook for love. I can attest to the fact that sex can blur the mind, it can take away meaning from ones life. I became detached emotionally from men, every time I laid down to engage in sexual activities with them I felt great animosity towards them, I felt shameful. I felt animosity towards these unknowing men because I thought that they were participating in driving my reckless agenda home. My behavior was of someone who hated their body, I let anyone who knocked or rung the bell enter into my house. I wanted to decorate my house into a home but all along I was choosing the wrong furniture. My conscious got so heavy that I continued my heavy drinking, I dropped out in the middle of my spring semester, I could not endure the unknown much longer. In my irrational mind, I thought up all of the diseases I could be carrying and all of this heightened my anxiety and sunk me into depression, the titanic could not compete. I am not writing this to boost, I am writing this as a confession so I never fall back into this destruction filled pattern. Although, I despise bringing this up, I wonder if I would have done things differently, if my father would have been there to raise me. My introduction to men came from my dating, I did not know what to expect from them or what to ask of them therefore I bought whatever they were selling. In no way I’m I regretful, I feel stronger and more than experienced, when it is my time to have a daughter she will have all the warning signs and advice she needs. I know it is human nature to cast judgement, go ahead and judge but I just hope you never made any mistakes yourself.

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